Where I'm At

I was doing my Beth Moore bible study homework tonight, and in the study of Psalm 130 she says the following:

                “Beloved, if you’re like me, God is not the one keeping the record. You are. You keep playing the record over and over. You may think you’re honoring God with misery over your past mistakes, but you’re not. Just like I did, you’re walking in unbelief –not trusting what He promised to do if you’d repent. Having my eyes opened to this reality several years ago changed my entire view on self-condemnation. It does not honor God.”

This reflection of Mrs. Moore’s reminded me of a recent reflection of my own. As much as I do struggle with leaving my past behind and moving forward with my life, as many times as I have to remind myself that God’s mercies are new every day, I feel as though I have let a lot of that stuff go, have said “arivaderchi” to the me I was five years ago, two months ago, yesterday, and have allowed myself growth- but it seems as if the people I allowed in my past are dead set on keeping me there.

Who I was a week ago is not who I am today. The core characteristics are still there, I am goofy, ambitious, and tired, like, 24/7, but the things I like, or don’t like, the lens through which I see the world, it changes every day. I am determined to spend the time God has left for me here on this Earth learning every single thing I can.  I don’t ever want to be complacent; I don’t ever want my appetite satiated. One of the things I have learned the hard way is to move newer parts of yourself forward; you have to leave older parts of yourself behind. There are ideals, theories proven right (or wrong), dreams, people, and pieces of your (my) life, that become casualties of the daily battle to find who are, to grow. I entered into college as an undergrad with the intentions to become a teacher. I subbed for three months and let me tell you, I am not a teacher.  I married a man I thought I would be with forever, but he had different plans, I am no longer a wife. I thought I would graduate high school and find some magic job that would have me living on the beach and watching sunrises every morning with my cup of coffee, and then I got my first job, and my first set of bills, and realized plans were going to have to be re-arranged. Those are lessons every woman learns at one point or another, but the thing is, those are the lessons women are “allowed” to learn. By allowed I mean, no one is going to come down on me as I walk across the stage in May, receiving my masters degree in psychology, because I was originally going to be a teacher- it is understood life changes. No one will hold me accountable for living in my little house in the desert when I thought for sure I would be nineteen and living beachside- it is understood people grow up. But when I run into a girl I worked a retail job with at nineteen when I was anorexic, insecure and defensive, and she was sixteen, scared and quiet, and I smile at her, I am fake?? If I stand in line behind someone I used to bicker with when we worked at a restaurant- her, stressed because it is slow and she needs to make grocery money to feed her child, me- stressed because it’s slow and I have to now choose between paying my car payment and buying the book I need for my new class- and I say hi to her, I’m being nice because I think I am better than her???

           Ladies, we grow up. At some point the person we all were, once, is no longer the person we are, now. Thank God for that! I was once a child in a diaper, I am proud to say I can now excuse myself to a restroom. Life comes in and it slams itself in our face, and we stay down or get back up, but either direction we go - we learn. I am not proud of many of the things I have done, but I am not the same person who once made those mistakes, and how long will people on earth, including myself, keep me in bondage for something my God has forgiven me for long ago?? Is my faith a get-out-of –hell free card I can use whenever I do something I feel guilty for? No. Do I take advantage of a God who gave His son for my sins by fulfilling my quota of sins each month? I hope not! Am I a 26-year old, divorced woman who doesn’t know who she is one day from the next, but has learnt through life experiences who she isn’t? You bet ya'. I probably owe many people apologies. By the time I stop by Starbucks and drive myself the 45 minutes to work every day I owe someone an apology, but I do not owe anyone an apology for the person I was ten years ago. I have lost friendships, this is unfortunate, but I will outgrow many more friendships in the rest of my years, because that is how the cycle of life moves us forward.  Why are we so quick to justify our own growth, but just as quick to resent someone else for their own?? A woman bettering herself by actually learning from the mistakes she has made, instead of spending her life with her head hung down lower and lower each time she messes up is not “uppity”-  in fact, it takes a great deal of humility to say, “wow- I’m an idiot. I really messed up on that one, but I will do better next time this situation comes around.”  

               I am not proud of everything I have done. I have unfortunately put my family in position where I have hurt them, I hurt a man who didn’t deserve it, I have probably hurt people’s feelings in my tornado and not even noticed- and to those people, I am sorry.  I maybe shouldn’t have married him right away and given myself a little more time to realize, or at least accept, what I realized and accepted a little too late, but I did- and I will not spend the rest of my life apologizing to anyone who knew me then, or listening to the “I told you so’s”, or watching my Christian sisters eyes dart to the sides of the room when it gets brought up; because it is my past, and it something God has forgiven me for, so who are you not too?

I change every day, and with that constant change comes growth- grow with me, or stay behind. I am not allowing who I was to determine who I am anymore. I pray you can meet me where I’m at.