Dear Someone(s)-

When I was young I would often get in trouble for the amount of responsibility I took for others lives. If my sister was upset, I was upset. If my friend was scared, I was scared. If a boy on the bus was getting bullied, I cried the whole way home, praying he wouldn't get in a fight the next day. I had a hard time separating what was appropriate for me to get upset over, from what wasn't. Needless to say, I spent countless hours crying in my room, either for my own pubescent drama, or my friends, and even more time being disciplined for this character trait. I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard, "you are trying to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders," or, "you worry about things beyond your control..." blah.blah.blah. .... Over time, and life's low blows, I developed a cynicism to replace my empathy. I had crossed over the line of forgiving compassion to hardened distrust, and I stopped feeling sorry for people. At least outwardly. I built walls. I created defenses, and I got really good at being the tough girl that "says exactly what's on her mind". Except I wasn't saying what was on my mind, I was saying what the bitterness told me to say to protect the little girl inside me that wanted to hug every person that was having a bad day.

I don't know when that line got crossed. I have an idea of what the final straw was, the final kick in the stomach that pushed me over the edge; but I am not exactly certain what blow landed just right to cause the disconnect I felt from myself. I was not a mean girl. I was never the girl who hurt people's feelings. I won "Most Likely to Cheer You Up When You're Down" for goodness sake!

The mean girl in me, the defensive, hurt person hurting people that lay within me for a few years is gone now. I don't do the displacement of anger gig anymore, and although I am not one hundred percent in my confronting someone when they've hurt me/let me down/disappointed me skill yet, I am at least capable of separating the perpetrator from the innocent Starbucks barista.

Someone I care about is going through something really hard right now. There are a few "someone(s)" I care about that are going through something difficult right now, and I am reminded of what might have caused the empathy in me to hide in its mouse hole in the first place.  My shoulders feel heavy, my sleep feels unsettled, and although I have nothing to complain about personally, I don't feel as excited about every new day as I usually do. I'm watching someone I care about struggle, and having been through what all my someone(s) have been through in one way or another before, I am having the worst time finding the balance between being supportive, offering advice from my battle with the same demon... with wanting to take this person and build a bubble around them and face the entire army by myself if that's what it takes, because I have been there before and I am capable of surviving it again.

The worst part about it is, I have so much I want to say to my someone(s), but I don't want to risk them thinking I am disconnected or insensitive.... so, in an effort to not have the awkward conversation where I am trying to talk to you about your issues, but, instead, am bawling my eyes out and allowing you to comfort me for being upset during your time of need, I will write you this, and I hope you read every word with the understanding that I mean every word. That every articulated letter formation of words on this page were chosen and felt and expressed with a love and sincerity that is incapable of being expressed any other way....

Dear Someone(s)-

I don't know why you are going through what you are going through right now. I would give anything to take that pain away from you, but it is not my responsibility. God has a plan for us all, and He never promised it would be easy, He just promised it would be worth it. I know it is so hard to sit in your own frustrations, feeling hurt, alone, abandoned even, and still feel faithful and connected to God. Many people pretend to, but I think the best thing we can do for our relationship with Christ is build the intimacy that comes with asking him why. I hate that word sometimes. Why. Why are you hurting, why is this happening, why isn't the outcome different, why are you letting this happen to me....why..why...why.???? In John 13:7 Jesus says, " you do not realize now what I am doing. Later you will understand" (emphasis mine).  We hear over and over again when we are going through life's more difficult moments, that everything has a reason, that nothing happens that isn't supposed too, cliché after cliché..but here's the one thing that always brings me comfort, God isn't a cliché. He has a plan for you, and it is hard to see that when your plan seems to be falling apart, but trust in the one who has brought you this far.

King David wrote Psalm 142 while he was in a cave, as a prayer... the man is in a cave. Let's not forget. In a cave. Writing this prayer. In a cave.

I cry aloud to the Lord;

I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.

I pour out my complaint before him;

before him I tell my trouble.

When my spirit grows faint within me,

it is you who know my way.

In the path where I walk

men have a hidden a snare for me.

Look to my right and see;

no one is concerned for me,

I have no refuge;

no one cares for my life.

I cry to you, O Lord;

I say, "you are my refuge,

my portion in the land of the living."

Listen to my  cry,

for I am in desperate need;

rescue me from those who pursue me,

for they are too strong for me.

Set me free from my prison,

that I may praise your name.

I know you are not in a cave, and I am certainly not God, but when you cry I will listen. I am not as strong as God, but I have a carried great weight on my shoulders before, and I can do it again. I am not in control of your path, and don't know enough to foresee and remove any obstacles, but I will walk with you, and I will help you fight.

I am not a mean girl anymore. Life made my edges rough for awhile, but that isn't who I am now. And the same God that brought me through my struggles, and delivered me from my own stupid self, will bring you through yours. He never promised He would bring us around struggles, or over them, or under them.... there was no promise of avoiding the hard times, just a promise we would get through them. He meets us where we are at, but I promise to take it from there.

I will help you move from the "why' of it all, to the "what now". I promise to see the best in you, that you aren't so good at recognizing right now. I promise to remind you of all the reasons you're amazing until you're able to remember yourself. I promise to pray for you, and give you every verse or psalm that comes into my mind. I promise not to get upset when you tell me to shut up and quit giving you every verse or psalm that comes into my mind. I promise, even when I am pretending not to be mad you just told me to shut up, to pray for you still. I promise to stand by your side, with a human loyalty nowhere near the loyalty God will show you. I promise to pick the restaurants for awhile. I promise to make you laugh when you need a laugh, and to cry with you when you need a cry, and to know you well enough to know the difference. I promise to tell you when I think you're carrying on a little too long, and kick you in the butt to get you moving again. God has a plan for you someone, and I won't stand back and watch you miss it. I promise I won't give up on you, and I won't let you give up on yourself.

Give it all to God, and trust me with the rest. I can handle it. I am most likely to cheer you up when you're down after all, you can't argue with fact.