Something is missing. I don't know what it is. There is a disconnect that is causing me to look at my life from outside of my own body. I feel like a never-ending version of the Christmas Carol- except Ebenezer likes what he sees in my version, he just doesn't know how to be a part of it. I am standing outside of my own life, desperate to jump in. At what point does everything become so routine that you have become a walking five- year plan? Maybe for you it is different. Maybe you wake up and you love your children more than anything but you find yourself digging deep within yourself for the energy to laugh genuinely anymore. I watched the first three miners get rescued the other night before I fell asleep, and not to demean that experience for the beautiful miracle that it is, but I find it a fitting metaphor. One of the main comments I would hear in reference to the rescue of those men is, "it would take like, forever to get to them, and then in no time they would be brought back up." That's how this, my life, lately, feels. It's like I am digging and digging and digging to find...what? My whole life I thought my degrees would be all I would ever want, my ticket to the world. Don't get me wrong I will bawl like a baby the day I walk on that stage to collect that degree but I am not sure it is enough. I will take accountability that one of the main problems in my failed marriage was that I loved my dreams more then I was able to love him sometimes, and for a long time I justified that they were the only thing I had that was mine, but are they anymore?I am a dreamer, absolutely. This world is mine for the taking, and I sincerely want to change it. But I look around me every day and I don't see very many people who seem happy. What is missing in our lives??? Is it God? Are there still that many people who don't believe? I know I have a prayer I say every morning that goes a lot like, "thank you for another day" but how many days do I wake up hungry? Not for food, I am never hungry for food, praise Jesus, but how many days do I wake up hungry for Him? I can have twenty degrees, and the way things are looking for me, I probably will, but they will never satisfy my entire soul the way God's word does. Is it God that is missing?
Are we lonely? Has society's "me, me, me" attitude pushed us the point that our independence has transformed into loneliness? I do fifty things a day, most of them alone. I am surrounded by people, co-workers, classmates, fellow gym rats, church brothers and sisters...but I go hours, occasionally days, without having a conversation with someone who knows me, really knows me. We are created to crave companionship, and our Godly purpose on this earth is to love each other as Jesus loved, to put others before ourselves, to give generously.. but we are taught that if we don't love us, no one will; and you have to look out for yourself because no one else will, and a whole bunch of other, crap, quite frankly, that has caused us to be isolated, defensive human beings. I will be the first to admit that I need that human connection. I live by myself and I love it, but I miss the sounds of my parents home. I miss the sounds of the dogs running all over the place, and my Dad yelling on the phone over the television but screaming at me to turn my television, that I have turned up in my room so that I can hear the Golden Girls over his conversation in the living room, down ...I miss noise. The peace I think we all search for comes from an entirely different place then where we are searching. Turning the television off, or telling your kids to quiet down is not going to bring you peace... lack of noise is not the peace you are looking for, it is a contentment and a comfort with yourself, with your life, that can cause you yoga - breathing mantra calm, in the middle of your home's chaos.
Is it material possession we are after? Maybe we are so frustrated because we don't have the new coach purse we want, or the latest jeans, or the newest car, I don't know. What I do know is I have two closets stuffed full of clothes and I would give anything to have my sister going through them. I miss her.
I don't want to be a kid again. I spent my entire childhood wanting to be an adult. It was brought to my attention today, again, that I never take a break. I am not saying my busy lifestyle is ideal, I realize it isn't for everyone, but I am not sure I know how to stop, or that I would want to. When I was young and my mother would put me down for a nap, it was a constant battle between the two of us. She didn't want a tired, cranky kid, and I didn't want to burn sunlight. The only fear I have is, when I reach this current set of goals, will I slow down long enough to enjoy them, or will I stand on the outside of my life, once again, with a cup of coffee and my blackberry planner telling me I have the next set of deadlines to meet..... and if I did slow down, would I be happy?
I don't know what is missing for you, and I don't even know who you are. I am not sure who is reading this, but something is resonating deep within me that there are a few "yous" reading this who understand. I hope whatever is missing in your life, whatever is severing your connection with your own self, that you find it. I hope it is something more simple then God.... I pray with every fiber of my being that you know Him...I hope it is that you just got a little caught up in wanting nice things, or you are spending just a few too many hours at the office and not getting the sleep, or family time that helps your soul thrive... and I hope, pray, wish, that this world around me slows down a little. That even I, mile a minute over here, can just stop the non-stop, and come in from my view of my own live from the outside.
I wish I could type "me" in the address field on each side of the MapQuest directions... if only finding my way back from this were as easy as everything else....then again, maybe that's the problem. Has it become so easy we're bored? I don't know. I just know when I wake up tomorrow that I want my prayer to be different...to be more like this:
Lord- thank you for another day, another chance to make a difference,
Please allow me to slow down long enough to enjoy every minute of this day...and to spend
less time worrying about the next. Please guard my heart against the defenses that block me from
loving like you love, and please remind me, when I am incapable of reminding myself
what this thing called life if really about.
...Oh, and P.S. thank you for my morning Starbucks. Amen.
♥♥
ReplyDeleteWow! There is so much in here to digest. Changing over from teen to young adult to a working-in-the-real-world grown up is a huge transition that most people either miss or choose to ignore because it makes them not feel 18 and invincible. I had to sit down and really think about things a few years ago because I didn't know if the teenage/young adult me liked something, the new 30 something me liked something or I just like it because someone else did. My list was long. But figuring out the why's and how's of these 'new' things have really helped me have a stronger hold on who I am and who I'm supposed to be.
ReplyDeleteOne problem for me (that seems silly but shows how unsure I was) was chocolate. Did I really like chocolate because I liked it or did I like it because women are supposed to and my friends all did and they talked about it all the time? I'll admit there is nothing quite like ONE good piece of chocolate when it's expensive or it's "that time" but over all, I prefer gummi bears. Not easy to admit because it's against the grain of my circle but it's part of who I am and in my 30's I was finally ok to admit that I didn't have to like what my friends liked.
You are so far ahead of the game and I learn so much from you. I hope you see the keyhole you are needing and jump right in. :) We are all here with you no matter what.