Stay Golden

My obsession with Golden Girls is a tad much, or so I have been told. Some would argue knowing every single episode of the show by heart is over-the-top, I have a hard time agreeing with this, especially during moments like now, when I can reference an episode and illustrate all the jumbled thoughts in my own head perfectly. In this particular episode, Dorothy and Sophia come home from a funeral of one of Sophia's childhood friends (for those who will insult me by not knowing who I am talking about, Dorothy is Sophia's daughter). Dorothy confesses to Blanch and Rose that she is really upset over the passing of this woman who was only three years older than Sophia. The girls suggest Dorothy take Sophia on a weekend trip to spend some quality time with her, and so Dorothy decides to take Sophia to Disney World (because they live in Miami, I hope you're taking notes). As the weekend progresses Sophia gets increasingly more irritated with Dorothy because Sophia wants to ride the rides and walk around the park, and Dorothy has brought photo albums and slide shows she wants to go through with her Mother. Sophia ends up leaving the hotel room upset one night, and Dorothy finally finds her in hotel lounge (requesting the piano player sing "It's a Small World"- write that down). Dorothy starts explaining to Sophia that she wanted this quality time to remember her mother by because it would be so special. Sophia then explains to Dorothy that she can't force quality time and she can't hold on to memories purely because they look through a photo album remembering them. When Dorothy keeps arguing her point Sophia references a story from her childhood. She tells Dorothy about her obsession with fireflies when she was young. Sophia would take a mason jar and catch the beautiful fireflies, after she caught a few and put the lid on the jar she would run inside, ecstatic over her catch, only to wake up in the morning and find all her fireflies dead. She makes the joke they died because she forgot to punch holes in the lid; but then she says something I think about a lot. She explains to Dorothy that trying to capture something so beautiful, and special, and hold on to it so she wouldn't have to lose it, only resulted in her suffocating it, until she lost it anyways.


I do that. I let myself love something, I let myself feel the joy of God's blessings in my life, whether it be a person, relationship, job, achievement, weight loss, anything in between... but the second it is not new, or a secret, or in my possession only, I start catching fireflies in jars. I am like the little kid that finds the best toy out of the toy box, then runs in the corner and hides to play with it. The frustrating part of figuring this out, is it's not selfish motivation that drives me to do this, I don't care if you share my blessings, and it's not a competitive motivation, if you have a better toy than me that's fine, just don't take mine..it's not even an abandonment issues of, "fine, take it, I know I'll be without anyways". So what is it? God has given me infinitely more than he has EVER taken away. If He never blessed me with another thing again, the pure face He gave His son for my stupid sins is the greatest gift I, or any one, will ever receive; and to top that off I don't have to worry about losing that?!?!? So why do I put more energy into making sure I don't lose the things that aren't completely mine? Why do I look at a relationship I'm in differently if I know people know about it? Why do I reevaluate friendships I am in if my friend gets a new friend? I am not jealous of the new friend, but I am suddenly evaluating where my place will be in my friends life. I am woman enough, sinful, broken, disillusioned woman enough, to admit I am insecure, I'm just not sure I can pinpoint that is what this is.

I have lost people I have loved dearly.. it is unavoidable when you love as passionately as I do. I have lost people to life, I have lost people to death. I still think about all of these people daily. Is that where this comes from? I enjoy nice things, but I have given even nicer things then what I possess now away and not thought twice about it. So is it material possessions I hold on to? I will be the first to tell you God does not give to you, only to take away, like it gives Him pleasure to mess with you like that... but then why am I afraid? Why do I let others gossip taint something I love? Why does a friend looking the wrong way at a shirt I liked and was excited to buy make me put it back on the shelf? Is it other's opinions of me that matter? There is a feeling of dread that rises up from inside of me when I know something I love is being put..well, out there, but, if I have to hide something to love it, then what is it I love about that thing? My mother has gotten on me forever because when something new and exciting is happening in my life, especially in relationships, I all of a sudden become very secretive, like I am hiding something. Do I think that others eyes looking at something I love will taint it? Will change it?

I have never gone without. I have always had everything I needed, and a lot of what I wanted. I have gone through very hard, lonely periods of my life, but I am never alone. I have been devastated over loss, but I have never lost everything, or everyone. I have been through my fair share of obstacles, but I have always come out stronger.

The funny thing is, a lot of people question God because you can't see him, because you can't catch God and put him in a jar with a lid on it and watch the beauty dance around until it suffocates and dies. But for me, I have seen and admired many things, loved many things, and lost them all. I have never lost Christ. He has always been here, even when I have been the one to wander off, and find new friends, and find new loves, and find new masters to serve. If all I am searching for is a love that is all mine, that is unconditional, and cannot be tainted no matter whose eyes see it, not matter what friend scoffs at it, that is always there, and it is always pure, and it is always real, and it is always mine, and I know I have that in Jesus, then why am I afraid? I can share this love with billions of people and it is still all mine.

If they made a Golden Girls episode about that, I imagine it would be the series finale, and they would be sitting around the kitchen table, with Sophia at the kitchen counter, and it would be one of those memory episodes where it shows them "remembering" clips from all the other shows; but at the end of this one, Blanch, and Dorothy, and Rose, and Sophia would realize all those men they chased, the jobs they stressed over, the banquets, the kids, the grandkids, none of it comes anywhere near the love Christ has for them, and it would fade to black and they would all live happily ever after. In Miami. With Wicker furniture. And a lanai. Write that down.