It is no secret I have been in my share of relationships. I had a conversation tonight with a friend that made me realize one of my biggest mistakes has been my inability to communicate what I want. Not what I want for dinner, or where I want to spend the weekend, but what I want at the core of who we are.... so, here it goes.
To the next man to fall in love with me, that allows me to fall in love with him,
I am scared of a lot of things. I am scared of the dark. I am scared to sleep without the TV on. I am scared of insects. And snakes. I am scared of death. I am scared of driving on the freeway at night. I am scared when someone knocks on my door. I am scared to lose people I love. I am scared of violence. I am scared of heights.
I love passionately. I love with everything I have. I love so much, it resonates from inside of me and it comes out in a big, jumbled mess. I love, but I am scared to lose. And sometimes I will push you away, expecting you to fight to come back. I love with a loyalty that can be overwhelming, even to me.
I will need you at times, but I will want you more than anything, however, I want you to need me. I am complicated. I will expect you to read my mind. I will tell you nothing is wrong when everything is wrong, and it will start as a fight over the remote and will pour out like a faucet. I want a man like my Dad, who could take one look at me and know something was wrong. I want a man who knows my thoughts before I do, but allows me the freedom to keep them to myself.
I want a man who loves Jesus. I want a man who reads the Bible. I want a man who stand next to me in church, who walks beside me. Not in front, and not behind. I want you to pray with me, and sing with me, and love with me. I want you to hold me accountable, and to tell me when I am allowing myself to show my stupid self again. I want you to correct me when I am wrong, but to speak gently and with a Godly heart.
I want you to think I am the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I don't care if you think I am beautiful in the morning, cause I have seen myself in the morning and I'm not. I care that you think I am beautiful when I am at a podium accepting my masters degree. When I got a raise. When I wrote a book. When I spoke at a seminar(s) and finished giving a workshop. I want you to think I am beautiful when someone recognizes me from seeing my speak somewhere. I want you to think I am the most beautiful when I am walking with the Lord. I want you to want me to achieve all of my dreams, and to think I am the most beautiful for doing so.
Don't tell me I look better natural. But mean it. I want to put my make up on, and wear a pretty outfit, and smell nice, and be appreciated for it. I want to celebrate the things that make me a woman, with someone who is man enough to encourage it. I don't want you to take longer than I do to get ready. I want you to fix stuff, and watch sports, and work out, and do manly things. I want you to think logically, and tell me everything is going to be alright as your staple answer to everything. I want you to kill the bugs, and bury the dead pets. I want you to check what that noise was, or bbq for our family. I want you to fix cars, or at least know where to take the car to get fixed. I want you to die to protect me. I want you to love me with everything you have.
I cry at everything. I cry for dead animals on the side of the road, I cry when I see car accidents. I cry when I watch people lose on game shows. I cry when I think someone is embarrassed. I cry hard when I think someone is embarrassed. I cry when I am stressed, tired, sad, mad, scared, lonely, afraid, angry, anxious, excited, humbled, loved. I cry when I get a gift I wasn't expecting, I cry when I read the Bible. I cry at church, every single time, without fail. I cry when I look at pictures of my Grandpa, I cry when I am so mad my words won't come out right. I cry when my feelings get hurt. My feelings get hurt very easily, I cry for you. I cry just because. I blame every cry I have on being tired. Or pmsing.
I laugh a lot. I laugh at really inappropriate times because I can't handle the weight of the emotion. If you make me laugh, I'm yours. I want to laugh with you, at you, at me. I want to have inside jokes. I want to make you laugh.
I get excited over everything, I get excited to go out for dinner after work. I get excited to go on trips. I get excited to rent movies and have movie night. I get excited to watch you do something you love doing. I get excited over simple things, like a baby that just discovered where her foot was.
I want to have favorite TV shows we watch together. I want to read books in the park with you.
I hate camping, I think it is horribly boring. I am not interested in partying with you at the river. I am not interested in riding a dirt bike. I don't like roller coasters all that much, and I only pretend to like a lot of the movies you like. I don't eat meat off the bone, and I lapse into spurts of vegetarianism. I like to change my mind, and I need you to let me.
I want to fall into your arms. I want you to be my safe place to land. I want to know I can do no wrong now that I have you, and I want you to feel the same. I want to look at you in a way that screams I love this man, and I want you to look at me the same way. I want to have fun grocery shopping with you.
I want you to fall in love with me, and to allow me to fall in love with you.
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