I remember learning that lesson when I was 14 years old. I have been witty and sarcastic my entire life, and up until this particular incident had been fortunate enough to never have hurt someone's feelings. There was a group of four of us- we were on the same squad and spent an infinite amount of time together, causing us to know each other very well. My three friends and I were goofing around about our recent performances at a game, and I made a joke about one of the girls. I don't remember the joke, couldn't if I tried, but I will never forget Ramona's face as soon as the words came out. They were not words that would hurt me, but I learned a lesson that day that we're not all wired the same. Ramona looked at me and said very simply, "that really hurt my feelings." I didn't know what else to say at the time but a simple, "I'm sorry", but for Ramona that was all it took, and we were back to laughing again. I learned that day to be careful when I make jokes, to evaluate the crowd I'm with, and to be sensitive to what they might be sensitive about. I was 14. Not in my thirties. This woman cut me to the core today, making a joke about something that caused myself, and my family a lot of hurt for a long time. It took everything I had to smile and allow her to continue her conversation, all the while praying in my head "Jesus please don't let me say something stupid, please don't let me prove myself a fool."
But this blog is no longer about venting that hurt. It is no longer about playing "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all."
I went to my family's house for dinner after running with my mother. I sat with my sister at the table and told her what happened and she rolled her eyes in annoyance at the ignorant comment, but that was it. She didn't get up and scream at the injustice. She didn't rally the troops to go slash some tires or toilet papers some trees in the culprit's front yard, heck, she didn't even say something bad about the person. She just rolled her eyes. It occurred to me after not getting the initial reaction I wanted (that my inner hurt child wanted) that her reaction was exactly perfect. My sister knows me so thoroughly, knows me and my flaws, my imperfections and my strengths, the things that make me tick, the things I get excited about. She knows the things I do really well, and she knows the things I need help on. She knows me at my absolute worst, and has seen me collect degrees and awards for as long as her little self has been alive to witness. She is my biggest fan, sitting in the audience at my college graduation crying with me. Never being jealous , but proud. She has no problem telling me I'm an idiot, and I can't remember a time she didn't have my back. She has come into our old shared room ten minutes after I punched her over some silly fight, and asked me to play school in the clubhouse with her. She doesn't take a comment as ridiculous as the one that hurt me today seriously, because she doesn't need too. She knows me well enough to know how far off base this woman's statement was, so far off base it didn't even deserve a reaction out of her. I love her for her simplicity, and even more so in moments like that.
It's incredible the power of family love. God knew me before I was born, ( Jeremiah 1:4-5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to nations), He knew I would be a sensitive person (great for being a psychologist, not always so great for trying to survive in a mean-girl world), and He gave me a family that hugged me when I was crying over someone making fun of me, but then turned around and kicked me in the butt and said get over it and drive on. My sister has such a faith in me, and what I'm really about, she won't even entertain a comment like the one that was made to me today, and it makes me feel invincible. I feel like I have King David's entire army standing behind me right now, and it makes the forgiveness I already showed this woman real, and genuine.
Since the day my sister was born I loved her, (Okay, technically I told my mother three days after she came home, "remember when you brought that baby home and I didn't like her?") so I guess I have technically loved her since three days after, but seeing her as a young adult sitting across the table from me and putting my hot-mess adult self in check with something as simple as not acknowledging a comment, is amazing. My family has always adored my sisters beautiful blue eyes,. It's like her sweet soul pours out of them... I love seeing them excited over my picking out the perfect Christmas present for her, I die inside when they cry because something has hurt her; they set me into tiger psycho mode, as I so lovingly refer to it, when she is scared and I need to protect her, and tonight, they rolled back in her head and simply said to me, " I love you, Mom and Dad love you, who cares", and she healed me.
I don't know why people say the things they say sometimes. I don't know why I said whatever it was I said on the bus to hurt Ramona that day, but I know that the cliché of treating others how you want to be treated is legit. Saying something mean about someone, to their face or not, and disguising it as "prayer request" or saying, "poor thing", or laughing after and saying "just kidding" it doesn't make it okay. I think of Psalm 55:21 " The words of this mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords". Smiling while saying something cruel doesn't make it okay, it just simply makes you look happy saying it. There are many people that loooovvvee to say "I'm just brutally honest", but in reality, they enjoy the brutality more than the honesty. As angry as my pride wants me to be, I have to remember they were simple words from someone who probably didn't know better. My mother has told me many times, "you can't expect non- believers to act like believers, you just love them, and show them the grace of God, because you are a believer. I thought of Luke 23:34 a lot today, (mostly to help me keep my mouth quiet) - Jesus said, " Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Jesus was hanging from a cross with nails in his hands, and I can't forgive a couple of words said against me?
It just reminds me to be careful what I say, smiling or not, so that I don't hurt someone the way I was hurt today. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a sister to roll her beautiful blue eyes at them.
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