The Finish Line

I was not the pretty girl in class. I was not always the smartest. I was not the fastest, the nicest, or the best dressed. I had tons of friends, and tried to be nice to everyone, but my own insecurities and issues built a wall around me that was often perceived as snobbiness. I didn’t go to parties and I wasn’t allowed to date. I had cheerleading, and I was a 4.0 student. As graduation got closer, most of my friends were planning summers full of concerts and barbeques to attend before they moved away to college. I got a job and prepared to start the local community college- I had no plans beyond getting money in the bank and getting myself through my bachelors program. I was focused and excited, but I was not prepared to accept life outside of academic success. I wasn’t the popular girl having a difficult time adjusting to being a small fish in a big pond suddenly; I was an insecure girl who had validated myself through grades and winning cheer competitions, only to find myself sitting in a classroom full of smart kids with the same 4.0 I had.

I got a job waitressing. My tip money went to a new shirt to wear to the club and gas money to drive all over Southern California with my friends. I had freedom and took it for granted…deciding my parents had no clue what they were talking about up to this point in my life, and I had been a victim of communist brain washing. Saving money? Pssh. That’s for the birds. Health? Sleep? Not for this know-it-all. Basically, like most kids my age, it took me one year out of high school to go from a 4.0 student to academic probation, I was in credit card debt and had worn myself exhausted and bored with seeing everything I had seen. I had no idea what I wanted to do.

Then I met a boy. I fell ridiculously, recklessly, blindly in love with this boy. Needless to say, the cliché continues and I married said boy. Two and a half years later I packed everything I owned into my Chrysler and moved back home. I took the dog, he kept his girlfriend. The insecure girl was back, this time with an eating disorder and someone else’s debt. I felt like a shell of a person, and to be entirely honest, out of all the things I’d lost being with him, my dreams were the hardest pills to swallow. Where did the girl with all the ambition in the world go? Where did the girl who listed journalist, lawyer, veterinarian, and singer (I can’t sing), all at once mind you, when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up disappear to? Who was I and what was I supposed to do now? The divorce destroyed me. I didn’t say it out loud. I got really good at pretending. I was hurt, beyond hurt, and betrayed, and I was embarrassed to admit I missed a man who had treated me so badly as much as I did. I was ashamed I was getting divorced, and the innocence in me was officially gone.

I just muddled through life. I waitressed and continued to hang out with my friends. There were good times. I started to laugh a little more and dated again. I carried emotional turmoil everywhere I went, but at least I was getting out of the house.  I missed him still, I was still ashamed and hurt, but I was treading water like hell trying to get back in the race.

I went for an interview for an internship yesterday. I got the position. I am beginning my internship for the completion of my Masters degree Monday. My Masters. I don’t know what happened. I woke up one morning and told my mom to meet me at Chapman University, I was finishing my Bachelors degree. That was five years ago. Now I have a matching Masters to hang next to it. I will be starting my second Masters next year, and maybe I’ll go for my doctorate one day. I have plans to own a business, and have worked hard to surround myself with a support group that builds me up and lies down with me when I fall. I have a God that I stopped running in embarrassment from, realizing He was with me all along. I have gone through therapy and read books and had endless conversations with the people that love me, and that is why I am here, sitting in the same Starbucks I have been studying in for eight years, realizing the finish line is in sight. It’s here.

I don’t have a tragic story full of obstacles I’ve had to overcome. I have parents that divorced but remarried, I have insecurities that led to an eight year eating disorder, but I have strengths that helped me overcome it. I have a job that has blessed me enough to go to school, and I have relationships today that nurture me.

When I was going through my divorce, I stood in front of the person I had given everything I absolutely had too, and I asked him how. How could you do this to someone who gave you what I gave you without ever asking for anything in return? He looked at me and said, “Well, if someone is dumb enough to give it to you, why not take it right?”

Right.

Except this time I was dumb enough to give it to myself, and by God’s grace it worked out. See you at the finish line. It’s been awhile, so in case you don’t recognize me I’ll be the one on the other side of it.